5 tips to keep your relationship thriving through the holidays
Written for Daily Hive by Jax Williams, host of the Thorny Issues podcast, a shame-free female-led podcast answering uncomfortable questions about sex, relationships and intimacy.
‘Tis the season for the picture-perfect hallmark romance festive propaganda, I mean love!
We’ll meet “the one” at a Christmas tree farm, fall deeply in love and kiss under some seasonally appropriate foliage. But these magical stories rarely deal with what comes next. Just how charming did Cinderella find her prince after 12 years, three kids, and the onset of perimenopausal night sweats? Keeping the passion alight in a long-term relationship is notoriously difficult. Add in the stress of the holidays, and the light can be all but snuffed out.
Below are a few tips and tricks to keep your relationship glowing merry and bright, even when you’ve burnt the turkey, your aunt has drunkenly hit on your husband, and your mother-in-law has forgotten the stuffing.
Get creative
Whether you are staying at a family home or you are hosting this year, privacy can be hard to come by. Don’t let this stop you. It’s time to get creative. Childhood bedrooms, thin walls, parents in the next room — it doesn’t exactly sound like a recipe for sexy success. Or does it? If you are feeling adventurous, why not flip the script and lean into the taboo? Give yourself a whole new meaning for playtime. Take a shower together. Offer to run errands. Hook up in the car, find a dirt road somewhere, and maybe you can find the turn-on that takes you back to raging teenage hormones. There is a lot of fun in keeping your sex life creative.
If that isn’t an option, look beyond the boundaries of what being connected means to you both and how you can enjoy others’ physical touch. Hand-holding, shoulder rubs, cuddling on the couch. There are many ways you can physically appreciate your partner with your clothes on, which naturally will build up sexual tension. Anticipation is an exceptionally powerful tool, especially when it comes to fulfilling your sexual desires. Knowing you won’t be able to have sex for a couple of days will turn that shoulder graze into a bolt of electricity running through you, and when you finally get together, trust me, those sparks will be flying!
Set your expectations
Unfortunately, in our very romanticized versions of relationships, we aren’t always taught about communication. Remember, your partner is many things, but they are not a mind reader. If you want them to do something for the big day, let them know what you’d like and the why behind it. How can you approach this as a team? Prioritize, delegate and let go of what is not essential. These steps will lighten your load for the season and give you more of what you want (connecting with your loved ones) and less time frantically stressing about making everything picture-perfect. Enjoy what you have; don’t compare it to what you see on TV. Remember, perfect doesn’t exist. The beauty is in the imperfections. That’s where your memories are going to be made.
Take time for yourself
But isn’t this article about how to keep my relationship alive during Christmas? Isn’t this counterintuitive? Studies show women have less sex at Christmas but peak again by the new year. It makes sense. In heterosexual relationships, women tend to take on more of the family responsibility. Our routines get thrown out the window in December, and although it can be incredibly enjoyable and gratifying, eventually, burning the candle at both ends can become overwhelming. Diets tend to get richer, our alcohol intake increases and our sleep usually suffers. We are creatures of habit, and these changes, although fun for a short period, affect our decision-making and communication skills. How can we hope to show up in our relationships if we can’t show up for ourselves? Make sure to carve out time every day for you. Whether it is a walk on your lunch break, not missing your favourite workout class or listening to one extra song in the car before you head into the house, take time to decompress, and keep your head and show up as the best you.
Understand your family dynamic
Every family dynamic is unique. Keep this in mind during the holidays and understand the sacrifices you are making for each other to show up on the special day.
If it is your partner’s first time meeting your family, be kind and prepare them in advance. Whether they have met your family before or this is the big introduction, the holidays always amplify things. Walk them through the day. Does your family have traditions? Do you all wear novelty pyjamas at breakfast? What is the gift giving sitch? Do you have an annual tradition of a holiday walk where you are all dressed as elves? Tell your partner. We all have quirky family traditions. Don’t leave your partner feeling mortified or othered because you didn’t think to tell them Uncle Frank dresses up as Santa every year while you all pretend to be reindeer.
Look to the future
There is joy about the last week of the year. Take advantage of the in-between and connect with your honey. Reflecting on a previous year can be wonderfully nostalgic, and I highly recommend leaning into it. Cozy up by a fire, go for a walk, enjoy each other and check in on your relationship. What have you enjoyed? What was your favourite way your partner touched you? What would you like more of? What are you curious to try in 2024? Is there something you’ve been looking to explore? Do you want to be more intimate? Is there a fantasy top of mind that you have wanted to make a reality? Bring in the new year with a bang. Have that sexual conversation. Feel more connected going into 2024. Perhaps it is the first time you have taken a sexual inventory of your relationship. Create a sexy to-do list. Sharing our sexual desires is an incredibly vulnerable step, so make sure you enter this conversation with curiosity and keep it a judgment-free zone.
So reader, here is my message for you: follow those festive feelings. Make some new sexy traditions to bring back next December. Have fun. Be kind. Stay curious.
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