Warning: this Riverdale review contains episode spoilers.
This week’s episode of Riverdale was almost a bit too… Riverdale. Did that make sense? No? Neither does this show.
Riverdale Rewind hosts Zain and Rosa, with guest panelist Ryan Egan, returned to discuss the main storylines of ‘The Wicked and The Divine’, and try to figure out what even happened in this week’s episode!
This week, we discuss:
- How to create your mobster name (0:43)
- Archie waiting on Hiram’s friends – including Papa Poutine (2:52)
- Whether ‘Chic’ is short for ‘Charles’ or ‘Chicago’, à la Kim Kardashian’s baby (3:30)
- The difference between confirmations, cotillions, and quinceañeras (4:10)
- The local church where Veronica renounces Satan (4:40)
- The number of candles/prayers at Riverdale confessional (4:48)
- What F.P. stands for (6:15)
- Penny Peabody’s tetanus revenge plan (7:37)
- Tall Boy’s new nickname (8:17)
- Questionable Serpent fashion choices (9:00)
- Betty’s side hustle (10:16)
- Riverdale’s new movie theatre/brothel (12:21)
- Bughead is back!?! (12:45)
- What Betty and Jughead did when they were alone… board games, perhaps? (14:12)
- Mama Cooper and her spring cleaning (14:28)
- The star of Riverdale’s wrestling team: Kevin Keller (15:42)
Archie and the Lodges
Poor Archie Andrews is working his buns off at his “unpaid internship” for Daddy Lodge – running errands all over town and waiting on party guests. While unclogging a toilet (ugh), he overhears Papa Poutine and [insert generic mobster name here] scheming against Hiram.
In the midst of this madness, Archie’s beloved is preparing for her confirmation. Major “Like a Virgin” vibes going on here. Perhaps the most concerning thing, for Zain anyway, was the number of candles surrounding Veronica’s confessional booth. But as Ryan points out, “there’s a lot of people [in Riverdale] to pray for!”
(That’s for damn sure. For reference, please see episodes 1 through 13 of last season.)
Jughead and the Serpents
Juggie, Juggie, Juggie. What have you gotten yourself into now? First it was a fashion riot, then the misrepresentation of Toni’s grandfather, and now he’s about to pay for what he did to everyone’s favourite blonde villain.
Penny Peabody is back with a vengeance! Turns out she’s still mad about her tattoo removal procedure, and wants revenge on Jughead… or more specifically his tattoo. Sounds like a recipe for tetanus.
Meanwhile, Tall Boy has resurfaced and is on Penny’s side – let her back in to delay the Serpents’ eviction and strip Jughead of his jacket and Serpent affiliation. Sit down Tall Boy – you aren’t even that tall! You’re more like… Long Hair Goatee Face. Put that on a jacket.
Betty and the Coopers
Also making an appearance this episode: Dark Betty. Clad in her signature bob and PG-rated lingerie, Betty’s alter-ego returned for some anonymous webcam chats. I guess it runs in the family?
Speaking of Chic, the long-lost Cooper had a mysterious meeting with a certain someone who was last seen leaving a music teacher’s house… Ben sure keeps strange company.
While Betty was patching things up with Jughead (doing homework, playing backgammon, doing… other “stuff”), Mama Cooper was busy making a real big mess on the kitchen floor. Hal is never around for the fun stuff! It looks like we’ll get some answers next week… but it looks like Alice is up to her floral-gloved elbows in trouble.
Rewind Real Talk
- Thumbs down to another Cheryl-less episode. We miss her one-liners!
- Why does Veronica only know “Bittersweet Symphony” from the Cruel Intentions soundtrack? Also, associating that movie with her confirmation was a bold choice.
- It’s about time Jughead owned up to all his wrongdoings. Too bad he had to miss a free buffet to come to the realization.
- For anyone wondering, the man who ends up on the Coopers’ floor is credited as “Shady Man”. And if you recognized him as well, he’s been in Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency and Breaking Dawn.
- Best line of the episode: “Elizabeth, did you lock the front door?”
Catch Riverdale Rewind Wednesday nights on Daily Hive’s YouTube channel.
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