Written for Daily Hive by Jax Williams, host of the Thorny Issues podcast — a shame-free female-led podcast answering uncomfortable questions about sex, relationships and intimacy.
Looking for love in the digital age can be frustrating and demoralizing. To many, it feels like a necessary evil; however, many people still find love on these apps. If you are diving into the online world this year, there is a way to approach dating with respect, kindness, and enjoyment.
Before you begin the process, it is important to work out what kind of relationship you are seeking. Are you looking for marriage? Children? A casual hookup? Are you looking to explore consensual non-monogamy? Is companionship your top goal? Do you want a travel buddy with benefits? Really dissect what your ideal relationship would be. There are no wrong answers here.
Once you know what kind of relationship you are looking for, think about what you would like in a partner. What qualities turn you on? Initially, we tend to overvalue physical attractiveness in a potential mate. It is the first thing we see in a profile; we process it straight away and judge it. Of course we do. It is unavoidable. But basing a relationship purely on physical appearance is unlikely to produce a healthy, happy match. Of course it is important that we are attracted to our partners, but there are many qualities we can’t see on first look that can flesh out this sexy picture we have of them. Smart, funny, kind, reliable, dependable. Qualities like these can make someone more physically attractive to us.
Now that you know what kind of relationship you are looking for and what your personality criteria are, it’s time to find the best app for you. Not all dating apps are the same. Many people turn to OkCupid, Hinge or Bumble for a more conventional long-term relationship. If you are looking for an adventurous, sex-forward relationship, perhaps you should try Feeld, Fetlife, or Grindr. There are many apps out there, so find one that fits with your goals.
Setting up a good profile doesn’t need to take up a lot of time, but do make sure you are putting your best foot forward. Your first photo must be a clear shot of your face, with no sunglasses and no filters. Be confident in who you are. This is your first impression. Post a pic from the last nine months, and let it highlight who you are. Make sure another photo in your profile is a full-body shot, showing something you love to do, such as skiing, hiking, travelling, or cooking. Let your potential match know who you are, what you enjoy, and how your body looks.
A dating profile isn’t about who you want to be or who you once were. Be honest about who you are right now. Write your profile when you are in a good mood, and make sure simple things like your spelling and grammar are correct. Too many profiles out there have negative statements (no hookups, no F-boys, no short men); don’t do this. You come across as mean, judgmental and, quite frankly, cold. People looking for love, or even just a good shag, lean towards kind, funny and warm personalities. Be positive. Say what you like to do and what you are looking for. Make it uniquely you. Instead of cliches such as “I like music and travelling,” perhaps mention the best concert you’ve been to or where you last went travelling. This gives people an easy way to engage with you more authentically when they ask you questions.
When you start to chat, be honest and intentional with how you communicate. Be respectful, ask questions and listen to replies. Remember, everyone has a life outside of the apps. If they don’t reply immediately, it doesn’t mean you are not a person of worth. There just might be other things going on. Give people grace.
It can become apparent when chatting that someone isn’t right for you. Unless you are looking for a digital pen pal, don’t get into a situation of superficial texting with somebody you know isn’t for you. It isn’t time well spent; it is emotionally draining and stops you from focusing on what you want. There are ways to cut and run in a kind and compassionate way. A simple message reading, “After chatting, it doesn’t seem our values align, or this isn’t what I’m looking for, but good luck on your dating journey,” is much kinder than an abrupt unmatch or the dreaded ghost. Don’t be a dick.
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Speaking of being a dick, do not use a dating app as a space to entertain yourself for an evening when you are bored. Don’t randomly turn the conversation blue, don’t send an unsolicited dick pic and don’t push your match into uncomfortable situations. Dating apps are not your personal porn site. It’s actions like this that make people feel unsafe and jaded and give online dating a bad name. Don’t be that person. Just don’t.
And finally, think about how much energy you want to put into this process. Do not endlessly scroll and randomly match with people you know aren’t right for you. It isn’t good for your self-worth. Dating apps are set up to give us a dopamine rush. The downside of that rush can lead us to feel we are not good enough. Set healthy boundaries with apps. Turn off notifications. Be in and out with purpose and intention. It will make the time you are there more fulfilling.
You will find someone who wants to date you and loves your charms and quirks. Don’t hide these. And please stay firm on what you want. Don’t ignore red flags or misaligned paths because someone is hot, you don’t want to hurt their feelings, or you are lonely. Three good matches with engaging conversation, shared interests and clear plans for a date will always be better than 20 f-boys asking if “u up?”
Happy swiping. Have fun. Be kind. Stay curious.
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