Hot takes: 5 intense foods your body cannot handle

Jun 5 2018, 2:32 am

We’ve heard of people like you.

You’ve never met a meal you didn’t like. You don’t just go for seconds; you go for fifths, and still take home a doggy bag. You’ve got that hot sauce in your bag swag.

You eat Sri Lankan and Thai food for fun, and take all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants as a personal challenge. Food isn’t just about hunger for you; it’s about winning.

But everyone has their limits, and these foods will bring you to yours.

This isn’t a game. This isn’t even an educational article. It’s a public service: Do not seek out these intense food challenges, and do not eat them. We’re not responsible for whatever (rad, amazing) things will happen to you if you do.

The MEGA Poutine, in all its glory. / Image: Restaurant Barcelos

1) MEGA Poutine

How much poutine do you have to bring to the table to be the biggest in Quebec?

If you’re Restaurant Barcelos, you bring about 15 pounds. No one man should have all that gravy, and yet it exists as a monument to humanity’s hubris. The MEGA Poutine is here to make a statement, and it cannot be tamed.

But before you plan a trip out to La Belle Province for something salty, why not try something sour?

Sour & Chewy Worms/ Image: Toxic Waste Sour Candy

2) Toxic Waste Candy

When a candy comes to you in a plastic toxic waste drum, you know the creators aren’t playing around. That’s the story of Toxic Waste Candy, the self-professed sourest candy in the world.

You may have seen the videos. You may have visited the website. But there’s only one way to find out of your mouth can handle something so tongue-shreddingly sour. (Spoiler: It can’t.)

The Luther Burger / Image: Arlan Arthur (Wikimedia)

3) The Luther Burger

You can probably eat this one just fine. Sure, you might have a hard time reconciling the sweet, savoury, and salty flavours, but you can get it down.

But at an average calorie count of 800-1,500 per burger…should you?

The Luther Burger is your typical cheeseburger. Except instead of buns, you use donuts. The more glazed and sugary, the better.

This isn’t about spicy, or sourness, or any other extreme flavour. This is about what happens to your body in the hour or so after you eat more than half of your daily caloric intake in one sitting. It’s about how meat and glazed sugar tag team your intestines.

It’s about explaining your choices to the people you love. Call it a shameburger. And eat something a bit lighter next time. Speaking of which…

Can you handle this? / Image: Shutterstock

4) Tom Yum Soup

Peppers and sauces are all well and good, but there’s something about a spicy soup that really permeates every level of your taste buds. And when it comes to soups, nothing quite matches the unique sour and spicy taste of Tom Yum, either as Tom Yum Goong (with shrimp) or Tom Yum Gai (with chicken).

And much like animals in nature (or peppers on a bush), the soup itself changes colour based on its spice levels, going from a  golden yellow to a dark red depending on how much spice you can expect. If you’re okay crying while you eat, seek out the closest Thai restaurant and get ready to make a scene.

But all of these pale in comparison to our final example, which you should never eat, ever.

Takis Chips/Takis

5) Takis

We don’t care if you’ve lined your mouth with candle wax.

We don’t care if you have a half dozen milkshakes on deck, ready to be chugged. (Also, where did you get that many milkshakes?)

We don’t care if you’ve read this entire list and are already halfway through a mean-spirited Facebook comment about how Daily Hive can’t handle intense foods.

Don’t. Eat. Takis.

Don’t eat them in the Xplosion, Fuego, or Angry Burger varieties. (We’re pretty sure that last one is less of a flavour and more of a specific emotion.)

They’re too spicy and too intense for your delicate, kombucha-tinged sensibilities. They’re so crunchy that we doubt your ears (and your jawline) could handle them without proper safety equipment. Others have lived to tell the tale so you don’t have to suffer for yourself. Trust us. Don’t eat Takis.

And don’t you dare track them down to find out why.

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