Written for Daily Hive by Emma Spears
It’s a stressful world out there.
As modern humans we are burdened by the pressures of socializing, work deadlines, and showering daily. How’s a person to deal? Get ready to engage in some serious self-care-ijuana with this ultimate hot box how-to.
Safety is key whilst you burn one down — the “one” in this case being a tightly rolled joint, as opposed to your place of residence. Candles provide an excellent source of mood lighting, but they are also a major fire hazard; use those battery-operated tealights instead. They are plentiful and hella cheap online or at your local dollar store, allowing one to bask in blissful inattentiveness unhindered by the shackles of personal accountability or common sense.
The best ambiance is not giving a fuck!
Seating is the most important factor for ultimate shower comfort and longevity. Even if you’re not bougie enough to have a built-in bench, that does not mean you have to stand in the shower like a peasant. Time to furniture-up! Try geriatric models, outdoor furniture, or even a full-on chaise lounge!
The mari-spa-na experience is greatly enhanced with the playing of sweet tunes. Invest in an inexpensive shower speaker or throw caution to the wind and bring your phone in with you (sandwich bag it?).
Regardless of the option you choose, an in-shower music solution is imperative as nothing harshes one’s mellow more than having to awkwardly lean out of a warm, fragrant steam cocoon to switch up the track.
Placement is everything! Adjust the stream of water so that it hits you from the chest down. This will keep you basking in sweet, sweet warmth and give you plenty of space to maneuver your smokeables without the threat of major water damage.
Get yourself a suction shelf. Affix it to the wall in a place that is well out of the water stream, and outfit it with an ashtray, a small towel or washcloth to dry your hands, and an extra lighter.
Make sure to roll or pack your bowl before you get under the water. Don’t bring any weed into the shower that you don’t intend to smoke in there; even a small amount of humidity can dank up your herb in an undesirable way.
If you are planning to smoke more than one blunt or joint, stick the extras in a sandwich bag (AKA your DIY phone case) on your new shelf until you’re ready to spark ‘em. If you’re smoking bowls, pre-grind an adequate amount and keep it in a prescription pill bottle or film container (‘memba those?) prior to re-packing to keep it safe and dry.
There is a time and a place for vaping – most times and places, actually – but this is not among them. Leave your vaporizer out of this one, unless cursing at a bag full of dry rice containing your dead-AF vape pen is your idea of a fun time. A disposable vape on its last legs could be a viable alternative but still not the best.
Glassware (bongs/pipes) can get slippery and break, although there is something a propos about doing rips in a glass shower stall. If you’re really committed to showering with your bong, wrapping something textured around the neck (duct tape, coarse twine, etc.) can reduce the chance of slippage, albeit at the expense of aesthetics.
Enter the main contender: the marijuana cigarette. Those clear cellulose papers hold up to minor splashes and can be a little more water resistant than, say, your standard OCB. If it’s real resilience you seek, however, a blunt wrap might be your best option. (Tip: to prevent the humidity from weakening the glue and unravelling the wrap, seal the seam with a little honey after it’s rolled. Effective and delicious!)
There are a growing number of infused shampoos and body washes, but post-shower CBD rubs or patches for your aches and pains will likely be more effective as they won’t get washed away.
If you want your toiletries to remain en theme give yourself a satisfying scrub-down with an ultra-exfoliating hemp body mitt.
For a truly luxurious experience, try chilling with a face mask or some deep conditioner in your hair while you smoke. Multitasking!
Every surface of your shower ended up covered in a fine layer of ash? If you’re feeling particularly motivated, a quick rinse with warm water should take care of things. If you are feeling particularly unmotivated, bump the furnace up a few degrees and pretend you’re vacationing in Pompeii. Problem solved!
Whatever you do, make sure to turn on the bathroom fan and empty your ashtray at the end of every sesh, otherwise you’ll risk your towels smelling like Willie Nelson’s compost heap. \
If you’ve aired everything out and find that your linens still reek of chron, throw ’em in the washing machine (or sink) with a cup or two of white vinegar, let them soak for an hour or so, rinse, toss in the dryer and you’re good to go.
Lingering smoke in the air can be dealt with using classic air freshener or incense. Just be mindful of what scent you choose, or you’ll end up with the apartment equivalent of stoned middle-schoolers dousing themselves with Calgon Hawaiian Ginger body spray post-toke and thinking they’re slick.
Now that’s you practiced proper high-giene you should be feeling chill, happy, clean, and mellow as all hell. Make yourself a snack, put your feet up, and congratulate yourself on prioritizing the most important person in your life: you!