Single by choice: Why more people in Canada are choosing to be alone

Written for Daily Hive by Jax Williams, host of the Thorny Issues podcast. A shame-free female-led podcast answering uncomfortable questions about sex, relationships and intimacy.

In Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw once remarked, “If you are single after graduation, there isn’t one occasion where people celebrate you. Hallmark doesn’t make a ‘Congratulations, you didn’t marry the wrong guy’ card, and where’s the flatware for going on a vacation alone?”

We have spent years being conditioned to think that being single equates to failure. There is a social script we must follow. Being single has been frowned upon, with married co-workers, friends, and relatives telling you, “You just haven’t met the right one yet” or “They will show up when you least expect it.” Society teaches us that to be successful, you need to be in a partnership. It is even in the games we played when we were young! To win “The Game of Life,” you had to hit traditional life milestones such as engagement, marriage, mortgage, and kids.

Yet over the past few years, the tide seems to be turning. According to Statistics Canada, in 2016, one-person households became the predominant household type, and as of 2021, they continue to hold the top spot amongst household types in the country.

A major driver in our higher rates of singles comes from women being treated equitably. Up until 1974, when the Equal Credit Opportunity Act was passed, unmarried women in Canada couldn’t have a credit card or a mortgage without their father’s co-signing. Not to mention being handed over as property from father to husband on their wedding day. Nowadays, we have opportunity, and with that comes freedom. 57% of students graduating from Canadian universities are women compared to 35% in the 1980’s. And although we don’t have financial parity (we can dream) we do have the ability to be financially independent. This gives us choice.

As a fully paid-up member of the unapologetically unattached club, I am here to tell you that rolling solo could be the best thing that ever happens to you. Singlehood is contagious and single women are some of the most interesting, inspiring folk I have met. They follow their dreams, take the path less travelled and are some of the happiest people you will meet. Science is on my side.

According to a study by Yale University, traditional relationships aren’t good for women. I see it within my own social circles too; so many women invest all their energy into looking after others without getting any of it back. This has serious health implications. Did you know that single women actually live longer than married ones? They are less stressed, more empowered and tend to be healthier.

In 2019, Paul Dolan, a professor of behavioural science at the London School of Economics, revealed that unmarried and child-free women are the happiest social demographic. Men, on the other hand, do benefit from long-term partnerships with women. About this, Dolan said “You take less risks, you earn more money at work, and you live a little longer. She, on the other hand, has to put up with that, and she dies sooner than if she never married.”

I feel it is important here for me to say I Love love. And I don’t think that romance or wanting to share your life with someone is a bad thing. I know many people reading this will be in happy and healthy relationships. Being coupled up can be amazing. But having relationships held up as something we aspire towards because being alone is such an awful thing is something I take issue with. How many people stay in unhappy relationships because they are terrified to be alone? And how many people stay in dull, uninspiring relationships that make them miserable because they have been conditioned to think being with someone is better than having no one?

Singles by choice are not miserable people. In fact, they can be remarkably social, upstanding members of the community. They still want connection in their lives and enjoy intimacy and romance. They live a life free of the constraints and expectations that are held in relationship labels. They retain their autonomy and enjoy the solitude, choosing to relax and remove the rules society has ingrained in us over the years.

There is a new movement of folk who identify as “solos,” who see their solo-ness as an identity rather than a relationship status. Solos view themselves as whole, not moving through life waiting for their other half to complete them. They are self-reliant, choosing to solve their own problems rather than wait for someone to come along to fix them. And perhaps, most interestingly, they are unconventional thinkers. They question societal norms, life assumptions and the rules around relationship dynamics. Many solos choose less conventional dating styles, be that consensual non-monogamy, casual sex, or living apart together.

If you are single this Valentine’s day, please know you aren’t failing, you’re thriving. It’s your time to flourish. Embrace the solitude, find your happiness, enjoy your freedom and chase down fun opportunities. And if you are one of those coupled-up folk who desperately feels the need to ask someone if they are dating and they tell you they are single. Do not pity that person. Do not offer them words of comfort or advice. In fact, say nothing at all. Science says they are happier than you.

Have a question for Jax? You can submit it here. And listen to Thorny Issues on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your Podcasts. Follow the show on Instagram