Who needs sex when you have AA batteries?

Dec 19 2017, 5:28 am

There has been a couple of recent blog posts on Vancity Buzz about how much Vancouver men and women suck, both of which were entirely entertaining and ri-dic-u-lous.

I think that we can either blame Vancouver men or we can blame Vancouver women for our current “single” Facebook relationship status, or we can take a deeper and more awkward look on what sucks more, being in a relationship or being single. Once we have made a decision, we can stop blaming the men and the women in our life, and blame Oprah.

As someone who is epically (and somewhat impressively) single, I can admit that  I may be a little bit cynical towards those who are in a loving relationship of hilarious tears, emotional eating, pointless arguments, and uncomfortable silences broken by cutlery on the plate. With this in mind, I’m going to try to balance my opinion on both being in a relationship and single with very little cynicism involved. YAY ME!

I could say that I am experienced and highly skilled at mastering the art of living a single life. You have little or no obligation to another person, you can go out and get completely wasted and flirt with anything that is alive (if you flirt with anything that isn’t alive, please go talk to someone…), completely ignore grooming any excess and inappropriate body hair, potentially dismissing the idea of showering everyday, sprawl out on your bed in whichever position that you please, do what you want when you want and however you want, not having to apologize for untimely body functions seeping out during the wee hours of the morning (our digestive systems start waking up 3 hours before we do. Relationship advice 101: Now that you are aware of this information, I suggest to apologize in advance. For example, “Dear, at approximately 4:10 am, I will fart. Sorry.”) You can grab a random persons ass, get your friend to take a picture, put it on Facebook, tag yourself and “random persons ass”, and laugh about it without feeling guilty, save money, you don’t have to discuss how you feel about the bookmarked porn sites or dirty socks in the dishwasher, and you can ultimately figure out your life without someone else in the picture.

BUT…*cue intense music*

In a relationship, you can come home after a long day at work, school, or sitting on your ass tweeting celebrities in the hope that they’ll retweet you and tell your significant other all about it, knowing that they are just as excited or as not excited as you are to hear about it. Your sex life is more consistent, and maybe even more accessible and dependable (more dependable than batteries?), you feel comfortable, you can be yourself, and they are able to make you laugh, cry, yell, and sing all at the same time. This person is your best friend in the entire world and they don’t care that you fart at approximately 4:10 am. They have seen you at your worst and they have seen you at your best. They help you grow. They support you more than a bra. They know exactly how to cheer you up without trying, and they also know how to piss you off without trying. You’ve been through so many ups, downs, lefts, and rights that you can laugh and high five during sex about it a week later. You get the good heebie geebies when they touch you, and they feel comfortable enough to tell you when its time to shave. When you picture your life, they will always be in that picture, because without them you wouldn’t be as successful and unique as you already are. They contribute and bring out the most beautiful and ugly sides of you and love you no matter what you look like. Even after a week-long drinking and eating binge, or after you fell in a ditch in small town Alberta.

I think both concepts and the idea of being single or in a relationship are interesting and worth discussing. What do you think sucks more? Being single or in a relationship? Or are they equally as awesome, with or without the AA batteries? I want to know what you think. New perspectives are fun. Almost as fun as Chuckie Cheese.


DH Vancouver StaffDH Vancouver Staff

+ News