You know that feeling when you’re wearing small socks and the back part comes off, so half of your sock is now stuck in the middle of your shoe? You just stand there, socks mid-foot, your entire day ruined because the world is conspiring against you.
I get the same feeling when it comes to texting. I get bad anxiety over absolutely nothing, so I will cry for no apparent reason. I misunderstand tone and try to avoid having my tone misunderstood. By putting a few too many LOLs and exclamation marks, I end up sounding like an overly enthusiastic person with some weird disorder that makes me laugh all the time. I really am a terrible person to communicate with via text, but I do it anyway, because I have unlimited messaging and only 200 daytime minutes.
Below are things I’ve learned, frustrations I have and topics I need to avoid when it comes to texting. It’s an ongoing learning process, but, for now, it’s really helping me avoid textual homicide.
1. Drinking and texting
It’s just really not a good life choice, and gin is no longer my friend. Seriously, when is the drunken text blocker app coming out? I have never woken up the morning after a night of drinking and thought to myself, Ah yes, texting exes one through four just to say hi was the definite highlight of my night.
2. “K” is a dangerous letter
K might as well be short for Kraken, because that’s what’s going to be released if anyone responds with that. K ends the conversation, plain and simple. What comes after that is an attempt to revive the annoyance you have created with the use of the letter K. This can be done by a) changing the topic entirely, or b) going to bed, because let’s face it; there’s no going back.
Realistically, K can be interpreted in two ways: It can mean a simple okay, or it can mean k, I hate you, don’t talk to me anymore. I generally assume the latter.
3. There’s a time and a place for sending dirty anything
Please don’t send a picture of your member with the caption “Good morning!” when I’m in a meeting and my phone is on the table. There’s nothing more disturbing than your boss glancing over because your eyes have very non-discreetly bulged out of your face. Unless I’m in my room, with the lights dimmed and surrounded by fourteen vanilla scented candles, don’t bother.
The same can be said for sexual messages. Don’t ask me what I’m wearing at 7 p.m., because chances are, I’m not in my imaginary corset, with imaginary matching mesh crotch-less panties and my imaginary thigh high stockings; I am in my Duff Man boxers, watching Breaking Bad on Netflix.
4. The problem with group texts
Pro: It’s a quick way to get a message across to multiple people.
Con: Being a part of a group text is the equivalent to a thirty years to life prison sentence. Fun fact: Even if you delete the thread from your iPhone, you’re still technically part of the group. Before you know it, it’s morning, and you have 435 messages that just simply do not have anything to do with your life. Group chat creators beware: I will find you. And I will hurt you (it sounds more threatening if you picture Liam Neeson).
5. If you’re going to attempt a conversation via text that should be done in person, you’re going to have a bad time
Story. Of. My. Life. I am impatient and once I get something in my head, I have to say it. Otherwise, it will eat away at my brain and I will have a stroke – I am 20 per cent sure of this fact.
Topics to avoid via messaging:
Anything to do with saying I love you for the first time.
Breaking up with someone.
Telling someone you’re pregnant or have an STI.
Anything related to a death.
Quitting your job
Long essay length rants about work, boyfriends or family. If you send me a 42-message rant, I will not read it, but will tell you I did. Then, I have to lie to your face and pretend to understand what you’re talking about. Why would you want me to be a bad friend?
6. Autocorrect, grammar and bingo
It is so simple to change the autocorrect setting on a phone, but it won’t happen, because 9/10 times, there are only minor errors. That one time though, when it all comes crashing down and you’re left defending yourself to your former boss because that darn autocorrect misunderstood what you were trying to say and turned it into something wildly inappropriate. . .sigh.
Know the differences between: their, they’re and there/you’re and your/then and than. Grammar is important.
Dis aint hw u txt ppl. W’r nt n grd 7 n uzn MSN. That hurt my head.
7. Lastly, if you do not respond within five minutes, I will assume you are dead or hate me
It’s 2013. Phones remain in pockets or hands at all times. I understand that people work and/or are busy, but if we’ve been having a back and forth conversation for the past hour, and you just suddenly stop, I will assume you have either had a heart attack, or have decided you hate me. I will go over our entire conversation, trying to figure out where it went south, and will most likely have a panic attack.
There you have it folks. If you avoid these textual blunders, you will most live a happy life filled with fields of fainting goats and frolicking unicorns.
Connect with Christina on Twitter @ChristinaZoubos.
Christina Zoubos is a writer by day, and homicide detective by night. She doesn’t take herself too seriously, so you really shouldn’t either.