Opinion: How to be the worst person on public transit

Oct 31 2016, 8:44 pm

Written for Daily Hive by Allie Entwistle.

“The Worst Person on public transit” is a prestigious title, one that many of Vancouver’s passengers are clearly competing for if our fellow riders’ behaviour is anything to go by.

While we’re not entirely sure why we’re all trying so hard to be the worst passenger to grace public transit, the evidence is undeniable.

So why fight it?

When competing against the worst of the worst, a simple cough on an unsuspecting neighbour won’t make the cut. No you’ve got to up your game if you’re going to win this particular gong.

Luckily for you, we’ve compiled some foolproof ways to make sure that you’re the absolute worst person on any form of public transit in Metro Vancouver.

Step 1: Get on the SkyTrain before other people get off

You are more important than the people getting off the SkyTrain, and honestly everyone should know it. Would it be physically easier for you to let the others off the SkyTrain before you got on? Probably. But what does logical thinking have to do with anything? Be bold and shove your way through the masses to secure your well deserved first place spot on the SkyTrain! They must give out medals for first place, right?

Step 2: Manspread

Manspreading lets everyone know that you’re the kind of person who deserves an extra bus seat. Not sure how to manspread?

All you have to do is sit with a wide enough stance that the people standing around you are forced into an internal debate. Are they to spend the next 45 minutes standing? Or should they awkwardly perch themselves on the half seat you’ve left for them?

Either way, it’s a win for you. So, if you want to the #1 bad boy on the bus be sure to manspread, no matter your gender.

Step 3: Eat a hot tuna panini

People love to smell other people’s food, especially when crammed aboard a form of communal transport that is already hot and steamy. So the best way to ensure you’re an object of annoyance to your fellow riders is to order a hot tuna panini (or something equally as fragrant) moments before you hop on the bus for a long commute.

Just watch as your fellow commuters wrinkle their noses to get a better whiff of your delicious food. If you really want to entice them, get a little clumsy with the way you eat so that small morsels of your savoury snack fall to the ground. These tiny pieces will ensure that the smell lasts for hours so that passengers can enjoy the aroma long after you’ve reached your final destination.

Step 4: Treat your bag like royalty

Your bag is a first class citizen and as such it rightfully deserves it’s own seat. It doesn’t matter how many people are standing, they need to realize that you bag takes priority. If the bus is especially busy, make sure that your bag is also kind of gross. And if anyone asks you to move it tell them off for added effect. After all they deserve a piece of your mind, but definitely not a seat on the bus.

In addition, if your backpack feels most comfortable on your back, keep it on. The busier the bus gets, the more it will smack into unsuspecting passengers; could there be a better way to show the masses how important your bag is?

Step 5: Puke

For starters, if you’re getting on the bus and you’re not already drunk, you’re doing it wrong. Make sure to hop on transit with a loud group of friends on a weekday evening. Bonus points if it’s early enough that people are still making their way home from work.

Then leave any possible barf bags at home so that your puke can pool on the floor and slowly make it’s way up and down the aisle for the rest of the bus to see.  Watch as your fellow patrons band together in their hatred for you, kudos to you for creating some community connection in this lonely city.

Step 6: Stay as close to the doors as humanly possible

Did you hear me? Stay close to the doors, no matter how crowded it gets, and no matter how much room there is at the back of the bus. Band together with those around you to create an impenetrable wall surrounding the door.

DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, go to the back of the bus, whatever you do. I don’t care how often the bus driver pushes the “please move the the rear of the bus” button, it’s a trick. If you move to the back of the bus, it will only serve as a courtesy to others, which will automatically make you one of those foolish “good people.”

Hating the worst person on the bus brings us together as a transit community. In a way, being the worst person on the bus kind of makes you the best person on the bus. So what are you waiting for? Do your worst, and be the best!