Movie Review: 'Fifty Shades of Grey' or 'Fifty Shades of God Awful?'

Dec 19 2017, 2:00 pm

Fifty Shades of Grey has gone from Twilight fanfiction to mommy porn, to New York Times bestseller and now a feature length film. Congrats society, on making an average erotica book series into a worldwide phenomenon. Face Palm.

Let’s be honest for a second, the books really aren’t that great. Erika Mitchell er… sorry “EL James” takes herself far too seriously for sub-par writing ability. Every great writer needs an editor and EL must have skipped that part. That said, good on her as she has created a series of books that for whatever reason makes soccer moms and young women swoon.

The world of erotica fiction is nothing new. There are many books with long haired, Fabio looking dudes on the covers that tantalize women while they stand in the grocery store line ups. Fifty Shades of Grey is the same thing but it is presented in a more modern package.

As for the movie, it’s Fifty Shades of God awful. Obviously I’m not the target market, but that begs the question who really is?


BDSM is nothing new, it’s a sexual practice that has been going on for decades. The book does an awful job of depicting the reality of BDSM and targets those misconceptions at women in their 30s to 50s but even worse it also targets young teenage girls too. As a father, I think I am beginning to understand the protest.

While sitting in the movie theatre, I couldn’t help but notice how many women decided to wear leather pants. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but understand that leather pants don’t make you into a submissive or a dominatrix.

If you really want to reach down deep into your inner Ana Steele, everyone should just go naked and blindfolded, which will make the screenings a lot more entertaining.

In case you don’t know, the story is about a college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and a young business magnate, Christian Grey. This billionaire playboy falls for this quiet, nerdy, college virgin and they have lots of naughty, BDSM type of sex. Pretty much what you’d expect in any good porn storyline. All that was missing was the pizza guy.

Go into this film with with very low expectations. In fact maybe have a couple of drinks beforehand. Screw it, down a bottle of wine, get on your leather pants and get it over with.


Fifty Shades of Grey starts out well enough and it did hold my attention for about forty-five minutes. About an hour in, I saw enough of Dakota Johnson’s boobs that they really should have received official credits in the film. I named them Crockett and Tubbs in honour of her father.

About halfway through this long-winded film, people started to walk out, including a few of my fellow movie critics. I really couldn’t blame them. The film had a chance to take some excrement, shine it up and make it new again. Instead the pacing was horrible and it was just shiny shit.

Jamie Dornan is a good looking man who did some modelling, but he is like the male version of Kristen Stewart. His research for the role involved him going to a local BDSM dungeon and spending an evening watching a woman get flogged. What a fantastic method actor.

I’m sure Dornan will become a big time star because that is what the Hollywood machine does. Major congrats goes out to Sons of Anarchy star Charlie Hunnam for making a smart career choice and walking away from the part. God bless you Jaxx Teller.

Dakota Johnson has that certain “it factor” and I think in some ways director Sam Taylor-Johnson thought that Dakota could save the film. She nearly did but you can only make good actors work with shitty writing for so long.

Fifty Shades of Grey

The love child of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith did her best and I would like to see her take on more substance in her next project. She definitely has a bright future even though she will have to go back to Anastasia Steele for two more films. Serenity now!

Unfortunately this film is, as Christian Grey put it, Fifty Shades of F’ed up. It really drags, and at the half way point it will start to bore you. It’s two hours that feels like three.

I’m not going to say you shouldn’t see it. I get the draw to this type of film, it’s escapism, and at the heart of it all that’s okay. Come on gentleman we had the Expendables 1, 2 and 3. We understand cheap thrills of really bad movies.

Oh and just FYI ladies, there is this thing called “the internet” and there is porn on it. Lots of porn for your viewing pleasure with “character development.”

If you want to see a good film/story that depicts this type of BDSM relationship there is another movie opening at the Vancity Theatre tonight which has received great reviews and it’s called The Duke of Burgundy. Find time to watch that and compare.

I should also note that a movie called the The Secretary starring Maggie Gyllenhaal is a good choice if you and your partner want a night in watching a quality kinky film.

The subject matter is interesting and I’m all for saucy, sexy films, but you walk a fine line between sex and storyline and if the plot has no substance, all you are left with is late night softcore porn and that was only interesting when I was 12 and watching late night Showcase. Red Shoe Diaries anyone?

Although the movie was filmed in Vancouver, there is no way I can give this a positive rating. I’m being generous when I give it a 2 out of 5 raindrops. Dakota Johnson added that second drop.

WARNING THIS FILM IS RATED 18A – and if you decide to take your teenager, I weep for our society.

2 Rain Drops

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