Baseball: A sport fit for a fiend

Dec 19 2017, 7:32 am

The most common refrain from people who think they don’t like baseball is that the game is boring. Well, that’s a boring complaint. I will go so far as to grant the haters that the game of baseball is slow, but slow is different from boring. “Slow” gives fans a chance to chirp players and players the opportunity to sass chirpy fans. “Slow” results in mind-blowingly long throws and mind-altering gifs. “Slow” means that, as a spectator, you are able to carry on a conversation, drink copious amounts of beer and gamble with your friends, all without missing a beat in the action.

Make Spectating Sociable

That’s right, turn a night out at the diamond into a delightful summer drinking game. Baseball is full of idiosyncrasies that are just waiting to be turned into calls of “DRINK!”  Here’s a simple drinking game to play out at the Nat:

  • Determine a draft order.
  • Pick Vancouver Canadians until the starting lineup is evenly split amongst you (pitchers not included).

Give Drinks:

  • Give one drink for every out your player is a part of defensively, two drinks if it’s a double play.
  • Give drinks when your player registers a hit, as follows:
    • Single = 1 drink
    • Double = 2 drinks
    • Triple = everyone else drinks
    • Homerun = everyone else finishes their drink

Take Drinks:

  • Take two drinks if your player commits an error.
  • Take drinks for every out which your player is responsible for offensively, as follows:
    • Strike out = 1 drink if he goes down swinging; 2 drinks if he goes down looking
    • Fly/line/ground out = 1 drink
    • Hits into fielder’s choice = 1 drink
    • Hits into double play = 2 drinks

Everyone Drinks:

  • Any player on the field grabs their crotch.
  • Any time the pitcher, catcher or batter spits (applies to top and bottom of inning).
  • If someone in your party catches a foul ball (finish drinks if the catch is barehanded).
  • Any time you and your party are able to get a reaction from the opposing team by chirping them.

Gamble Like the Inveterate Fiends you are

A wise accountant once said that gambling is the finest thing a person can do, if he’s good at it. The highs of gambling are extravagant, the lows not worth contemplating if you don’t like contemplating what Joe Pesci would do to you if you owed him a debt. But there are few things more satisfying than being able to rub your friends’ faces in the fact that you just won twenty bucks off of them. Here are a couple of (mostly) simple gambling games to play throughout a Canadians home game.

The Cup Game (not that kind of cup, perverts):

Supplies: 1 empty Granville Island beer cup, Monopoly Money.

Recommended number of players: 4–10,

How it works: Monopoly money is divvied out and value is assigned to it (probably $0.50 or a $1, the pot can build quickly). Each bettor puts a bill into the cup and the cup begins in the hands of whoever wins the backstage coin toss (that is, figure out who starts). The bettor with the cup is tied directly to the batter at the plate. The cup moves one to the left after every batter.

During the top of each inning (visiting team hitting), if the batter:

  1. registers an out, no penalty, pass the cup.
  2. is walked, no penalty, pass the cup.
  3. hits a single, put in a bill, pass the cup.
  4. hits a double or more, put in two bills, pass the cup.
  5. hits into a double play, WIN THE CUP!
  6. hits into an inning-ending double play, WIN THE CUP PLUS AN EXTRA BILL FROM EVERYONE!

During the bottom of each inning (Canadians hitting), if the batter:

  1. hits a single, no penalty, pass the cup.
  2. is walked, no penalty, pass the cup.
  3. registers an out, put in a bill, pass the cup.
  4. hits into a double play, put in two bills, pass the cup.
  5. hits a double or more, WIN THE CUP!

Each time the cup is emptied, all bettors must ante up to continue playing.

Mound Ball:

The rules of Moundball are simple:

  1. Each player antes up with a bill in the cup.
  2. At the end of each half inning, the ball will be thrown towards the pitching mound.  Watch this transpire.
  3. If the ball fails to reach the mound, or rolls off the mound and back onto the grass, everyone adds another bill and the cup is passed to the right.
  4. If the ball comes to rest on the mound, then the cup holder WINS THE CUP!

There is a Wikipedia page for Moundball because it’s 2013 and we’re not savages, so take a look at that for a full breakdown of the rules.

Try one or all of the above on June 17 at the Canadians home opener or any of the 38 home games throughout the summer, and remember, don’t end up like this guy.


Written by Todd Fanter, contributor to Vancity Buzz. Connect with Todd on Twitter at @toddfanter.

Image: The Library of Congress