A definitive list of Halloween candy ranked worst to best

Oct 31 2019, 6:00 am

“Trick or treat – smell my feet – give me something good to eat – not too big – not too small – just the size of Montreal.”

As a child, you may have fantasized about eating a piece of candy the size of Canada’s second-largest city.

Not to be a Debbie Downer, but just like the polar ice caps, it seems like Halloween candy is shrinking in size every single year.

If you’re going to indulge in half a dozen treats on a whim, they better be worth the calories.

To help you navigate the slew of sugary goodness out there this Halloween, here’s the best and worst Halloween candy being handed out this year.

30. Candy Corn

 

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Rumour has it prisoners of war are offered Candy Corn and even they are like, “No, thanks.”

29. Suckers

In the end, there will be cockroaches and leftover suckers from Halloween.

28. Twizzlers

 

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Yes, they taste like plastic, but when you’re this far down the candy bag, you just suspend disbelief and keep on chewing.

27. Halloween Molasses Kisses

Some people love these things … often parents and grandparents. There’s a reason why they mostly just sell these at Bulk Barn and nowhere else.

26. Smarties

 

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Smarties were way better before the stopped using artificial colour. Every time I have one now, all I taste is vegetable-flavoured food colouring.

25. M&M’s

Why would you ever eat a plain M&M if there’s a peanut-covered one around? Plain M&M’s are so pedestrian.

24. Mr. Big

 

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Mr. Big would be like if the Kit Kat wafer took performance-enhancing drugs and you covered that with chocolate. It doesn’t look pretty, but it’s an adequate chocolate fix if you need one.

23. Hershey’s Milk Chocolate

This is one of the last pieces of chocolate you eat. It’s well-rounded and reliable, but there’s nothing exciting about straight-up Hershey’s chocolate.

22. Aero

 

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Aero gets style points for the bubbles, but deductions for filling a chocolate bar with even more air. For shame, Nestle.

21. Fuzzy Peaches

The closest thing you’ll find resembling an actual fruit on this list. And there’s no fruit in fuzzy peaches.

20. Jolly Ranchers

 

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After cracking into a few of these, it’s as if you can feel a cavity being born as your teeth spontaneously combust. Jolly Ranchers are almost worth the potential pain of dental work.

19. Tootsie Pops

It’s just like the poor, lonely sucker, but there’s a payoff at the end in the form of a Tootsie Roll in the middle.

18. Tootsie Rolls

 

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Who hasn’t unrolled half a dozen of these things and pretended like it was a wad of tobacco? Or is that just me?

17. Hersey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme

Until people start handing out straight-up sleeves of Oreos, this is the next best thing.

16. Caramilk

 

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The Caramilk secret is your siblings already stole these out of your candy bag.

15. Wunderbar

Also known as “for God’s sake one of the messiest chocolate bars ever”. Luckily, the payoff is worth the mess.

14. Twix

 

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The only Halloween candy that gets separated from its paternal twin for the enjoyment of others.

13. Swedish Berries

A seriously solid gummy option to round out your treat bag.

12. Rockets

 

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In the US, they’re called “Smarties.” It’s never been so satisfying to eat sugar-flavoured chalk.

11. Oh Henry!

Who’s Henry? Who cares? Just keep bringing us more chocolate.

10. Sour Patch Kids

 

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Don’t act like you’ve never dumped the leftover sugar into your mouth. Your dentist will detest these things, but that’s why you schedule your check-up after December.

9. Mars Bar

There’s nothing sexy about a Mars bar, but it’s a reliable Halloween candy staple. These things will never let you down.

8. Coffee Crisp

 

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If this is in your Top 10 list, you’re officially old. See you at the curling club, folks.

7. Snickers

Snickers are good, but they land outside the Top 5 because “fun-size” Snickers have shrunk down to microscopic size. Next year, they’ll be handed out in pill form.

6. Starburst

 

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The number of calories you burn trying to unwrap these things justifies the calories you’ll consume afterwards.

5. Kit Kat

Don’t be a savage. Just eat the Kit Kat bar one stick at a time and nobody gets hurt.

4. Peanut M&M’s

 

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The very rare instance where the sequel is much better than the original. Peanut M&M’s are like the Terminator 2 of Halloween Candy; it makes you wonder why plain M&M’s even exist.

3. Crispy Crunch

Fun fact: Unresolved resentment between siblings often stems from which child got the most Crispy Crunch bars as a kid.

2. Skittles

 

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Make no apologies if Skittles suddenly disappear from someone’s trick-or-treat bag. In the currency of Halloween candy, Skittles are like gold. “Taste the rainbow” and taste no regret because they’re damn delicious.

1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

These are the Halloween treats that always get snatched up first. Often times, they don’t even make it to kids’ trick-or-treat bags because parents intercept them first. That’s the true sign of a legitimate Halloween candy banger.