You know what sucks? Planning Valentine’s Day. You know what’s even worse? Planning Valentine’s Day for a non-Canucks fan.
For some reason some people just don’t understand why painting your face blue and green and screaming at men with sticks surrounded by 18,000 other people is super romantic. Therefore here are some quick “Do’s and Dont’s” for any Canuck fan in a relationship with a Non-Pucker (Yes, we have a term for you).
Although mix tapes might be a thing of the past, you can put together a nice playlist of songs that showcase the feelings you have for your favorite human.
Put on tapes of the 2011 Finals and explain which of the Bruins you would violently hurt first. Usually the romance dies when you’re crying at the TV and screaming at Brad Marchand, begging for somebody to hit him.
Make a home made gift instead of buying something from a store. It will show off the personal touch you put into the gift and it will be extra special because of it.
Make a memory blanket out of your favorite unwashed “lucky” jerseys. Nacho cheese stains from 1998 are not as romantic as you think.
Make a set of home made coupons for massages, kisses, hugs, or chores around the house.
Make any sort of coupon based on the premise of “When the Canucks win the Stanley Cup”. This is how relationships die.
Tell your significant other how important they are to you and how much you love them.
Tell your significant other how important the Canucks are to you and how much you love them.
Rush to make sure to get all your chores done around the house and prepare a really nice date night for your love.
Rush through dinner on your date night because you can’t remember if you PVR’d the game to record an extra thirty minutes in case of overtime.
Surprise your special somebody with a gift at their place of work. Flowers, chocolates, or a love note are all good options.
Give your special non-hockey loving somebody a surprise visit from a Canuck player. This can become an awkward situation really fast.
Call your lover cute nicknames.
Give your lover post game cliches after a night of passion.
Spice it up a little in the bedroom with some role playing. Maybe a naughty nurse needs to do an exam of an unruly patient?
Spice it up with role playing by dressing up as Mark Messier (people are into weird things, this could happen). Even non-hockey fans know to fear and hate him.
Tell stories of the first time you saw your future person of interest, whether it was the shirt he/she was wearing or the way they looked at you when you asked them for a piece of cheese.
Describe in glowing detail how you remember the first day you met because that was the day you pulled off a really wicked fantasy hockey trade, then proceed to break down that deal for thirty minutes.
Use it as a stepping stone for the next stage in your relationship, such as asking him/her to move in together.
Get their hopes up that you’re ready to move to the next level when you’re not.
Write poetry that is from the heart. Who can resist a good haiku? Nobody.
Get Radim Vrbata to write your poetry. He tends to go a little bit darker than traditional love sonnets.
Just spend time with the people you love.
Ever let them meet Eddie Lack. They will leave you for him in a second. Everybody loves that damn guy.