Welcome to the second installment of Hit the Buzzer, the post that brings together the best and the brightest sports minds to answer the most pressing questions in today’s world of sports.
To prove this, we point to advanced statistics.
You see, today’s panelists – Harrison Mooney, Wyatt Arndt, David Ebner, Paul Debron, and Omar – have an average TJ-close% of over 56.5% (that’s percentage of Twitter jokes that make people laugh vs. flops). Any tweeter with a TJ-close% over 51% is considered hot stuff in today’s Twitterverse.
We’ll leave it to you to determine who pulls up the average and who hurts it.
Better known to fans of the Canucks, WWE, EA Sports, Fantasy Football, TV show Gotham, and tier 3 of the PICH roller hockey league as @TheStanchion, this guy is funny and amazing at Photoshop.
Wyatt basically writes for everyone – the Province, Canucks Army, Canucks.com and Vancity Buzz.
Sports reporter/national correspondent with the Globe and Mail, Ebner is a big deal.
If you know how to tie a bow tie, he requests that you drop him a DM.
Mooney blogs and writes for the Vancouver Sun.
Also, as most Canucks fans are aware, he makes yoga pants look good.
Former Team 1040 stalwart turned Toyota salesman. DeBron was the producer of the best morning show the Team 1040 radio ever had. He now produces great sales at the Toyota dealership in Nanaimo.
A sports writer at Vancity Buzz, the best thing we can tell you about Omar is he doesn’t look anything like his Twitter avatar. His hair line will get there eventually, though.
Wyatt: Radim Vrbata as Liam Neeson. He wouldn’t even have to change into a costume. Just hold a gun.
Harrison: Zack Kassian as Beetlejuice. It’d be interesting to see him look a little less insane than usual.
David: Chara. He’s already the most monstrous NHLer. Chara in a scary costume (Frankenstein!) would make schoolchildren cry.
Omar: Patrick Kane as Joe Dirt (with his mullet, of course)
Paul: Andrew Ference as 80s WWF sensation Kamala the Ugandan Headhunter.
Wyatt: Red Bull. So much Red Bull that their urine turns red and they start talking like Hansen in post game interviews.
Omar: I know you’re the nicest people in the world, but if your jilted ex (coach) calls asking for a second chance, do NOT take him back.
Harrison: Stop saying you liked playing for John Tortorella. The Canucks are still paying him. They could reconsider.
David: The occasional well-placed needle in their John Tortorella voodoo dolls.
Paul: Get a reliable vehicle from the good folks at Nanaimo Toyota and keep getting to the games safely and on time.
Wyatt: Zack Kassian Left Over Pizza and Random Hot Dog Found Under the Couch Night.
Harrison: Well, Rumours that Alex Burrows eats people are unsubstantiated, so… I’ve heard Chris Higgins has a taco night as well, and he grates the cheese on his own stomach.
David: Alex Edler’s meatballs-at-Ikea Mondays.
Omar: Don’t know about a food “night” but Kassian regularly enjoys a Gatorade and Advil breakfast a couple times a week.
Paul: Is Kevin Bieksa’s milk hot dog night still funny? Either that or Tom Sestito’s press box popcorn night. EVERY night.
Wyatt: Roberto Luongo not being told he’s a worthless number one goalie every day probably helps. Kesler just really likes Disneyland.
Harrison: I’d say getting traded from Vancouver to places like Anaheim and Sunrise is about the only time you can celebrate climate change.
David: Don’t have to hang out with Jannik Hansen any more.
Omar: See, Kes is a car fanatic. Even though he has his own, he enjoys testing other cars. He had driven most of the nice cars in Vancouver, and he needed a new selection.
Paul: I don’t know about Kesler, but the sparse attendance in Florida gives Roberto Luongo a LOT more bathrooms to choose from.
Wyatt: Mark Messier. That way he won’t be doing more TV commercials anytime soon.
Omar: If the Shanahan regime doesn’t work, hire Torts, Milbury, Doug MacLean, Pierre McGuire as an advisory board, and do the opposite of everything they suggest.
David: Laurence Gilman as GM and Mike Babcock as head coach = Leafs hoist Cup by 2020.
Harrison: Dubas is young, but they could go younger. Remember the movie Little Big League?
Paul: Add Mark Messier to the management team so he’s on TV to troll Canucks fans that much more.
This post was compiled by Ryan Biech and Omar Rawji.