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The newest way to die: Chinese Giant Killer Hornets

DH Vancouver Staff Oct 10, 2013 8:16 am
Ryan belleville

What if I told you that I know how the world is going to end? I don’t want you to be alarmed, but humanity will perish at the ‘hands’ of hornets. The terrifying toxic insects will pierce our skin repeatedly with giant stingers – it’s going to be really painful and it’s going to happen because it happened in China first. And everything is made in China, even doomsday.

Comets, earthquakes, floods, it’s old news. The quarter-inch-long stinger injects your body with a skin dissolving toxin, naturally followed by red hot pain, anaphylactic shock, and, alas, kidney failure. This happens over and over and over again until you die. If you jump in the water they will wait, if you run they will hunt you down. It’s a twist on the classic apocalyptic peril and it’s all the buzz.

Small enough to sneak in, large enough to freak you out. The hornet death will begin with a classic blinding eye attack, because they are gooey and delicious and these hornets don’t give a s**t about your vision. The winged beast will also spray a pheromone into the air that calls it’s friends to the feast. Once the swarmy troops arrive they will rip you to bits like confetti and call it a party.

At the end of September, Chinese newspapers were reporting an abnormally large number of deaths by hornet with 28 fatalities and 419 injuries. That is 28 too many for me thank you very much. The death toll is now 41.

So, why are the hornets so pissed off? One Chinese paper is reportedly citing that the warming climate is creating “the perfect hornet storm.” And we thought Sharknado was bad. Basically, this is all our fault. No mention on if the hornets are becoming physically stronger by feeding off human flesh.

The hornets could not be reached for comment at this time, but they are coming.

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DH Vancouver Staff
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