A stoner's survival guide to Grand Prix weekend

Don’t let the Grand Prix harsh your mellow this weekend, Montrealers. Here’s how to cope when you’re stoned and hate cars.

Go horseback riding

Get back to your pioneer roots (real or imagined) and go horseback riding. If you’re lucky enough to own a car (or know someone who does), there are some beautiful nature trails just outside of Montreal (like Mascouche and Laval). Mount up with some friends and race through a field. It’s like the Grand Prix of the Amish.

Turn your apartment into a bunker

Stock up on preservative-rich foods, tape cardboard over your windows, and hotbox the shit out of your apartment for fun and ambiance. For a sense of authenticity, turn off all your devices. If you live somewhere you can hear the track then you can easily pretend all the noise outside is the apocalypse, and you are fucking READY for it!

Escape to Ottawa

Only in the direst of situations should one ever suggest a trip to Ottawa, but here we are. There are plenty of stoner-friendly things to do in the so-called “city that fun forgot,” but when in doubt (and nice weather) just go for a stroll along the river, which features many peaceful and secluded benches and views scenic enough that you’ll forget you’re in Ottawa. Also, if you are into shwarma then this is the city for you because it’s everywhere.

Bonus: Walk on streets and sidewalks with impunity, not fearing for your life every time you step onto a crosswalk like you would at home in MTL.

Make an impulsive DIY hair decision

This is the one weekend in Montreal where you can ruin your hair and still walk around in public inconspicuously because there are like 500 dudes that look like Guy Fieri everywhere. It’s kinda like how you don’t notice a lit candle in a house on fire. So ahead and get your bathroom balayage on, or stress-cut your own bangs at 4 am for Grand Prix 2018. This is the weekend to experiment, because come next week there will be like 700% fewer bleached tips around to distract everyone from your self-expression.

Scowl down on festivities from above

Climb up to the top of the mountain and gaze disapprovingly down towards Crescent Street. Maintaining your excellent mood and relaxed state is easy on Mount Royal as there are tons of peaceful, out-of-the-way spots to hang out in the park. Take a moment to appreciate local wildlife, and/or a moment to resent local culture. Be sure to bring snacks.

Good luck!

See also

• Stoner etiquette to follow at the Montreal Fringe Festival
• The ultimate shower guide for hot box heaven
• How to set up a discrete smoke session for getting high

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