Well, it had to happen sooner or later. Some 205 years after we burned down their White House, Canada has finally broken up with the US.
And as usual, it’s not us – it’s them.
OK, OK. Maybe this isn’t official. But a YouTube video featuring Vancouver comedian Simon King certainly echoes how a lot of us are feeling, right?
“We’ve had some great times over the years, you know,” begins a reminiscing King. “Remember that Canadarm? We picked up all your satellites, we went to space together! It was a great road trip!”
Sure, King admits, Canada hasn’t always been the perfect partner: “Apologies for Bieber, but people make mistakes.”
But then comes the inevitable, brutal, painful truth.
“We kicked ass in WWII. We fought Nazis. We fought them. Now look what you’ve become.”
Of course, we’ll miss the US, he says. They have some “great qualities” after all. But…
“You’ve been hanging out with a crowd lately that’s been making things a little bit difficult,” says King. “Maybe we should take a break, just so I could see some other countries. Countries that are maybe nicer to other countries.”
Take a break? Right… We all know what that means.
Of course, the United States does come with some baggage, King says, trying to be kind before dangling the unlikely possibility of being friends again soon.
“If you need a safe place to get away, there’s always beer in the fridge, hockey on the TV… I’m sure this is just a phase. I know it is – it’s gotta be, right?
“I just want to let you know, from the bottom of my syrup-loving Canadian heart, I’m really sorry. It’s not me – it’s you.”
And with that, it’s over. Now let’s get drunk and hope America doesn’t get all… clingy.